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Labeling a child with a disability when one is not licensed to do so carries many liabilities and consequences. As a special education professional for decades, I have first hand talked to parents about characteristics that I see in their child and encouraged them to see a psychologist or a medical professional to discuss those characteristics. I have taught this to my college students who are seeking a career in education. I do this as we are not trained nor in a position to diagnose someone. This is not our training. I carry the same belief into my healing journey. I have seen so many victims label those who have hurt them. There are many more who are licensed that share their expertise on various mental health diagnoses on a wide variety of social media platforms. I am incredibly grateful for those individuals. I have learned a tremendous amount from them. Yet, I cannot bring myself to label my exes or others. I am not qualified to do so. I am happy to talk about the characteristics I have experienced though. A formal diagnosis can be crucial for accessing appropriate medical care, therapy, medications, educational accommodations, or financial assistance. A label can help individuals understand their experiences and realize they are not alone; resulting in a reduction of confusion or self-blame. But we have to realize a diagnosis and a label also come with stigma and discrimination. Labels can reinforce negative stereotypes, leading to social rejection, discrimination at work or school, and a reduced self-esteem. Labels can also reduce a person to just being that label rather than the other many gifts, talents, and strengths that they possess. I am concerned by all of the labels being put on others. To be more poignant, I am tired of people labeling others as narcissistic when someone has not been formally diagnosed as such. In the article, Why We Need to Stop Throwing the “Narcissist” Label Around, in Psychology Today, author Craig Malkin, Ph.D. warns that obsessing over whether someone is a “narcissist” distracts us from addressing actual abusive or harmful behaviors. The focus should be on protecting ourselves from abuse, no matter its source. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. People show varying degrees of narcissistic traits - from healthy self-esteem to pathological narcissism. Most that demonstrate narcissistic behaviors do not fully meet the criteria for a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Malkin states that moderate level of narcissism actually contributes to self-confidence and resilience, therefore, not all narcissistic traits are harmful. We need to focus on the abusive characteristics rather than using stigmatizing terms that really do not address the problem. The problem is the abuse not the diagnoses. In doing so, we avoid overgeneralization of an individual’s behavior, we promote practical action by focusing on the characteristics, and it actually preserves the diagnoses for those who truly have a mental health disorder. As a special education professional, by focusing on characteristics and behaviors I could put plans in place that allowed interventions/strategies to help students grasp content. Behavior plans help students to reshape inappropriate behaviors. The label was just there so that I could provide them with these services and supports. This is how I look at adults who are abusive. The label really does not matter to me. My focus needs to be on the characteristics of abuse and how that abuse affects me. Those characteristics and effects are what I can work on with my therapist. I cannot stop the actions of another, but I can work through the damage. I can learn to identify and separate myself from characteristics that are not healthy; that are not safe. Then, I can find my voice to draw my boundaries and stand firmly by them.
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