Back to Montana ~
Well, I left my home in Reno yesterday and hit the road for Montana. I lived in Montana from 2018 through 2021. I love the topography, the weather, and the panoramic views. It is a stunning state. But most importantly, while I was in Montana, I found the most wonderful and effective therapist I could ever wish for. She is amazing. And, when I relocated to Reno, I was able to continue to see her, virtually, due to COVID-19 regulations. Then came the conclusion of COVID-19 regulation, and I could no longer work with her virtually. So, instead of trying to find a new therapist, I made a personal commitment to return to Montana 3 to 4 times a year to see her for intensive therapy.
I was a bit excited with this trip back to Montana, as I took a different route than I usually do. Instead of taking I-15 all the way into Butte before getting on I-90, I took the scenic route. (Note that the other one is just as scenic. Montana is beautiful no matter what road you take.) Anyway, I jumped off the I-15 and ventured on Hwy 20 in Idaho and into West Yellowstone. I then took a familiar road, Hwy 191, through Montana and up toward Bozeman. Hwy 20 and 191 filled me with such joy. The scenery was beyond imaginable. Stunning. And regardless of the vacation traffic to and from Yellowstone National Park, my breath was taken away again and again.
The joy I was filled with made me want to cry. I reflected on the years spent in Montana and the inability to embrace the beauty while married to someone who was so unkind and abusive. As I drove, I reminded myself again and again that I did not need to pass the person in front of me. My husband had no patience for those in his way. Therefore, he would call them names and ride their tails until he could find a place to pass them on the two lane highway. There is so much trauma and anxiety embedded in me because of those experiences. (He drove that way everywhere he went.) So, as I drove behind someone who was going a bit slower, I breathed deeply and told myself “I don’t have to pass.” My husband is no longer pressuring me to do so nor is he driving. I can stay right where I am and take in the beauty that surrounds me. I took in all God’s beauty. I was filled with joy. I embraced that feeling. I embraced it for as long as I was able to do so.
I have felt so little in many decades. The joy I felt is foreign; almost new to me. I held it close until I had to let go. Joy is scary. It filled my soul and holding onto it was exhausting. I would drive several more miles and then I would embrace it again. Holding on until I needed to take another break. All the while, I reminded myself, “I do not have to pass that vehicle in front of me.” I don’t, and I didn’t.
As I look forward to the next two weeks of intensive therapy, I am determined to overcome the obstacles, the trauma, and the abuse that keep me from joy, happiness, smiling, laughing, crying, and simply experiencing life to its fullest.
Until next week ~ julie
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Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.