Dishwasher Rule

Tomorrow, May 26th, would have been my 13th anniversary with my third husband. And, in some kind of irony, I ran across an article this week that generated the immediate thought of “No way!” followed by a chuckle. Very early on in my marriage, I learned that, in his mind, there was only one way to load a dishwasher, and if I did not load it accordingly, I would hear about it. My response was often a comment along the lines of, “I did not take Dishwasheer 101” which was often received with an eye roll of shaming.

Well, you may have heard about the dishwasher rule when it comes to emotional leadership, but I had not. Ultimately, the "dishwasher rule" encourages individuals to prioritize outcomes over rigid processes, promoting a culture of empathy, trust, and effective collaboration. So, when applied literally to loading the dishwasher, the ultimate goal is to get as many dirty dishes as possible into the dishwasher while still feeling assured all the dishes would get washed. Yes?

In Justin Bariso’s article, he introduces the "dishwasher rule" as a metaphor for embracing diverse approaches in both personal and professional settings. The rule - "there’s more than one way to load a dishwasher" - serves as a reminder to remain open to methods different from our own, fostering emotional intelligence and adaptability. Bariso’s articles focused on emotional leadership in the workplace and how to value creativity, individual expression, and psychological safety. 

The irony of this article just took me back to the many times I was shamed for the way I loaded the dishwasher. And as the marriage progressed, I learned there was only one way to do many things and it was only his way that was acceptable. Our house, because I do not believe it was not a home, did not value creativity, individual expression, and psychological safety. The lack of emotional intelligence and adaptability of its so-called leader kept me under his thumb. They way I did things, doing anything contrary to his way of loading the dishwasher began the journey of walking on egg shells, mentally rehearsing and practicing before speaking, not stepping out of the box I had been placed in, and accepting my way of living was in the past.

After nearly ten years of marriage, I began to devise a plan to leave. It was my creativity, thinking outside the box, collaborating and consulting with others, and encompassing a psychological safe place where I could heal. 

So much of what is published on what makes a healthy workspace can be applied at home. Relationships are relationships no matter where they are rooted. Would love to know whether or not you have heard of the “dishwasher rule.”

~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.