Finding Myself Again ~
I have been on a journey to find myself again. Now, I often share that I have really never known who I could have been or even who I was. This is true. It is more so a journey to find out what works for me again. My sleeping, eating, working and simply doing what I had lost. I have been seeking this out for almost years now. In the last year or so, there are times when I get this feeling that I have rediscovered something…only to learn I am still not there yet.
In the article How to Find Yourself Again: How to Come Alive Again, author April Ross describes how the journey of “finding yourself” is less about becoming someone new and more about returning to who you truly are. She explains that over the years she had become buried under multiple roles - caregiver, teacher, helper - and gradually lost touch with her authentic self. Ross argues that in order to rediscover oneself, one must first go back to the source of what harmed you: childhood wounds, family conditioning, limiting beliefs, unmet needs.
The article outlines how trauma, unexamined patterns, and adopting others’ belief-systems can cause you to stray from your genuine self. Recognizing these forces is the first step. I can honestly say that the time between my second and third marriage - about 10 years - is when I really began to find myself. I found the routine that worked best for me - everything from my work day to my life day - that work life balance. However, in my third marriage I lost not only what I had recently learned, I lost my soul. My healing journey includes finding myself; in some ways for the first time. Ross says, I must peel back layers of masks and facades to find the parts of me that are buried. I need to ask, “Who am I?” rather than “Who do I need to be?”
I have been working consistently to find myself again. And, even as I write this today, I think I have found pieces of me again while also thinking that I am not quite there yet. What I mean is, right when I think I have found a routine again, I realize that I am still not quite there. I am excited and happy that I am making these strides. I am also disappointed when I realize I am still not quite there. This work is so hard. It can be exhausting at times. I just want to be back to where I was some 15 years ago. A place when I finally did my thing without all of the voices of my abusers telling me what I should or should not be doing.
On a side note, house escrow is still going smoothly. Please keep this in your thoughts and prayers; twenty-one days to go.
~ julie
If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.