Playing Detective ~

Lately, I’ve been able to reintroduce habits that I had long forgotten; habits that work for me; that make me happy. When I journaled this and shared it with my therapist, she was curious, too. How was I able to reclaim some of my habits while others are still so stuck? So, she said to me, “be a detective.” 

Some things in my life are getting easier. I am getting up at a consistent time each day and my work day is becoming far more productive. Yet, I am still struggling in maintaining my diet; my desire to return to my weight from when I was 50; my genetic, expected weight that I inherited from my mother. Size 4 and 6 had always been my norm; clear up to the age of 50. 

I am in a safe space now; no one is shaming me for what, how, and when I eat. It has nothing to do with reactions that once felt automatic. There is no trigger. There is a pull; a heaviness; my inner child. This is a place where I am still stuck; patterns that repeat, decisions to give in to ice cream, large helpings; familiar discomforts that circle me back to what was rather than to what is.

Rather than asking what’s wrong with me, I am becoming a detective. Why do breakthroughs occur and others do not?

Nature helps me understand this. When a trail becomes easier to walk, it’s often because the ground has been worn smooth over time. But when you hit a muddy patch or fallen tree, it’s not personal; it’s information. Something has shifted, yet something needs attention.

Healing is often described as requiring self-compassion and it does. An article from Mindful reminded me that kindness toward ourselves creates safety, which is essential for growth.

I agree with that. I’ve needed softness. I’ve needed grace.

But here’s the harder truth I’m sitting with: kindness alone isn’t always going to be enough when it comes to getting unstuck.

Sometimes, healing also asks for honesty. Discipline. Boundaries with myself. There are habits I can no longer excuse. Patterns I can no longer romanticize. Comforts that keep me small.

Greater Good Magazine talks about how meaningful change often requires both compassion and accountability; one without the other leaves us stuck. So, how do I hold myself accountable? 

In nature, growth can be gentle; but it can also be relentless. Roots crack stone. Rivers carve canyons. Nothing apologizes for the work required to change shape.

So I’m learning to be kind and firm with myself. Curious and exacting. Gentle where I’m wounded; and unwavering where I already know better.

This detective work isn’t about blame.
It’s about clarity.

And clarity, I’m discovering, is what finally allows things to move.

~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.