Small Talk ~

I have never been one to just sit around and chit-chat about life’s happenings. Of course I love chit-chatting with my daughters and dear friends. Yet, if a group of people “I know” get together and want to chit-chat over coffee; over a drink, I just have no interest. I would rather sit in silence and be reflective. To a degree, I still think I am a bit odd in that light. 

I came across an article entitled Psychology says preferring silence over small talk is a subtle sign of these personality traits. The author, Lachlan Brown, shares on his Facebook page that he is a “psychology graduate and bestselling author of Hidden Secrets of Buddhism. He blends lived experience, mindfulness practice, and research-based insight to help readers navigate relationships, self-worth, and emotional resilience”. As I read through the article, I saw myself. I pondered, maybe I am not so odd. Maybe preferring silence over small talk isn’t a flaw after all. Rather, it is a healthy, intelligent way of just being. Maybe I am not socially awkward or antisocial?

The article discusses ten personality traits. As I read through each, I was pleasantly pleased that I identified with each one of them. I am not an extrovert. I am an introvert. Being an introvert does not mean I am shy, as I am just more deliberate in the way I socialize. I avoid large groups of people and loud gatherings as I would rather have meaningful conversations one-on-one or maybe in groups of three. 

Growing up and even as an adult, I have been told I am stubborn. Stubborn has a negative connotation, yet, being stubborn has positives. Stubborn can simply mean that you feel passionate about what you intend to do. As an adult, I refer to this as being determined. I have a strong sense of self-determination and autonomy. On cover letters for job applications, I consistently state I am a self-starter, innovative, entrepreneurial, and driven. I couch this with being a team player. I find value in others. I just do so at a much deeper level. 

I also choose to be in silence; in solitude. This is when I am most reflective and creative. I am overwhelmed by noise, bright lights, and large crowds. I get over-stimulated. Whereas I can speak or perform in front of thousands of people, being part of the audience is just so overwhelming for me. I cannot wait to leave and get home or even just get in my car. When I do go to an event where I am a participant, I set my watch timer for 60 minutes. And, when it goes off, I typically head out. My nervous system needs silence to reset itself. 

I am also re-energized if I can just sit and observe. Whether I am observing people, traffic, people working, animals, or just sitting in nature, I am filled with sounds, moods, tension…how my body and mind are responding. My parents were people who liked their solitude; their privacy. Based on research, these habits help to lower our blood pressure. I have an incredibly low blood pressure as did my parents and now my daughters. Yes, this is a genetic trait. But I have to say that our chosen way of life contributes to our ability to remain calm. 

What has gotten me into trouble with relationships is my very high emotional intelligence coupled with being an empath. Brown shares that quiet people may be better at picking up emotional cues and tones that are often overlooked when there is background noise and superficial talk. Yes, this is a gift, but it has been a curse since I think I can fix everyone. In turn, I really need to get to know people who are hurting or have been harmed. The people I have experienced often like to talk about all of their woes. This drives conversations deeper. My heart is then touched, and I have to come to their rescue. I begin to create and problem solve how I can make their lives better. These gifts have served me well in every facet of my life except for partner/spousal relationships. These gifts have made me vulnerable and opened the door for others to take advantage of me.  

I am also incredibly independent. My paternal grandmother was very independent as well. I know what I need to do, and I know who I am. My struggle is that my inner child also knows who I am. I think she has more control than my adult self. She has constantly given me feedback; unfortunately, the type of feedback that keeps me stuck. When I listen to feedback and validation of my adult self, I really do know who I want to be. I know how to get there. 

The article encourages embracing silence when it benefits you and recognizing that quiet isn’t always empty—it can be full of thought, reflection, and meaning. These quiet moments I live for each day; the solitude I keep are just personality traits and characteristics. Solitude and quiet give me the space to emotionally and physically recover from stress. Solitude reflects my independence, determination, autonomy, introversion, processing, depth-seeking, creativity, problem-solving, and social selectiveness…all the things that make me who I am. 

Peaceful silence ~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.