Trauma Dreams ~

As I sit in bed this morning and write this blog, it is my hope that I can process all the places my subconscious went to as I slept last night. 

I have struggled for years trauma dreams.  

I am working hard to embrace a sleep schedule that works for me; or should I say that I am working to re-establish the sleep schedule that works for me. Having been shamed into going to bed extremely early only to rise at 4:15 am each day is not how I function. I am a night owl. Late to bed, late to rise. I can honestly say I have broken the routine of the former. I am still struggling though. 

Every night my body and my mind have this argument about “it’s time to go to bed.” My body says, “yes,” while my mind says, “no.” I wind up staying up too late while knowing I cannot oversleep as I have dogs that need to be let out in the morning. So, I wake up exhausted from the lack of sleep and because I have experienced yet another trauma dream. These dreams have occurred randomly for decades. However, my trauma dreams now occur on a nightly basis. This started when my ex decided to move from where we lived in Montana to the same town where I live in Nevada. 

Think about having to face your abusers every single night as you sleep. Why would you ever want to go to sleep? I know I don’t. Sometimes I only encounter one abuser, sometimes two, or sometimes many.

My dreams often mirror the waking experiences I have lived. The stories are not the same, but the abuse is as are the people in my dreams. Each dream is different yet the theme is the same. I seldom remember the details of dreams. Most mornings, I wake up just as tired as I was when I went to sleep the previous night. What I can feel though, is that my amygdala is on fire. I have been triggered. Each night I battle myself to go to bed. Each morning I have to process. 

Marsha Linehan’s work on nightmare protocols has been really helpful when I have recurring dreams. But my trauma dreams are not the same. Each night I relive trauma but the story is always different as are the characters. I have journaled the recurring themes; worked to imagine different outcomes in hope of changing my subconscious. Argh! All I can ask myself is when will this end?

~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.