Ready to Move Forward

I am tired, and I don't mean the kind of tired that gets fixed with a good night's sleep, although I could probably use more of those too. I think I am tired of being in between things. I am tired of waiting for my body to cooperate, wondering where I am going to live, wondering what my next job will be, writing grants and waiting to see what happens, and trying to keep everything moving when sometimes I would really like something to simply fall into place.

My knee needs surgery, and then my opposite ankle needs surgery. I keep describing myself as physically broken right now, which may not be the best way to say it, but it is how I feel. I broke one ankle months ago, and I don't think I ever imagined I would still be dealing with one physical thing after another this far down the road. Now I know there are two more surgeries ahead of me, followed by recovery, appointments, and whatever else comes with all of that. I know I will get through it. I just don't particularly want to have to.

At the same time, I am ready to move on in other parts of my life. I have been submitting applications for remote jobs almost every day. I am looking primarily at work that aligns with my university and higher education experience because I know that world, I enjoy much of that work, and I know what I bring to it. But I also need flexibility. I don't want another position that takes everything I have and leaves my own work squeezed into whatever hours happen to remain.

That has become increasingly clear to me. Redeem Thyself, 7 Pedals, High Meadow Projects, my writing, research, harp, partnerships, and everything else I am building at juliemlane.com need time. They aren't little side projects I occasionally work on when I have nothing else to do. They are becoming the work I want my life to have room for. I am also writing grants because I need these projects to become financially sustainable. I need funding for the programs, but I also need grants that allow me to receive stipends for the work I am doing. I love the work, but loving it does not pay the bills.

So I keep pushing, which I realize is an interesting choice of words considering how much I have written about pushing, rushing, and staying busy. I have wondered before whether some of my productivity comes from survival and whether keeping myself moving has been one of the ways I learned to feel safe. I still think there is truth in that. But I don't think every productive season means I am running from something either. Sometimes there is simply work that needs to be done if I want something in my life to change.

Maybe that is where I am right now. I am tired, but I am also unwilling to simply sit and wait for my life to change on its own. I can submit another job application. I can write another grant. I can contact another potential partner. I can keep writing. I can work on my music. Those are things I can actually do while so many other things are outside my control.

The difficult part is that almost everything I am doing right now involves waiting. I submit a job application and wait. I work on grants and know that funding takes time. I make plans for surgery and wait for appointments and schedules. I think about moving on from the western Sierras, but I still don't know exactly where I am going next. There is a lot of effort going out without much coming back yet, and I think that is part of why I am so tired.

I am ready for something to move.

I don't necessarily need everything to change at once, and considering my recent history, that might actually be a terrible idea. I would just like one of these pieces to begin falling into place. A job that fits. A grant that gets funded. A place that feels right. A surgery behind me instead of ahead of me. Something that lets me know all this pushing is actually taking me somewhere.

Maybe this is another version of learning to live in the in-between, although I am getting a little tired of writing about the in-between. I would very much like to be on the other side of something for a change.

I don't have a lesson from this one. I don't think I need one. I am tired. I am physically limited. I am frustrated. I am also applying, writing, planning, creating, and continuing to build what matters to me. All of those things can exist in the same paragraph because right now they exist in the same life.

I am ready to move forward. I just wish the rest of my life would catch up a little.

Have you ever reached a point when you knew you were ready for change, but had no choice except to keep doing the work and wait for something to move?

~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.

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