Happy Mother’s Day ~
Today is Mother’s Day in the U.S. It is a day where we honor, celebrate, and remember our mothers. Many mothers are loving, caring, supportive, and present in our lives. I can say my mother did hold these qualities. Yet, I know as a mother that I worked hard to be more than who my mother was.
My mom told me that she felt she and I were closer than she was with her mother, and that I was closer to my daughters than I was with her. She did not say this to be cruel, but rather, it was simply an observation. I have pondered that observation. I am not quite sure what she was telling me. Was she disappointed in the relationship she had with her own mother? Maybe?
My grandmother passed away when I was 19 years old. I remember her well. She was a proper Southern Baptist woman who, although never divorced, was the only present parent to six children, including two sets of twins - my mother being one in the first set. My grandfather, who apparently met me when I was a baby, walked out on his family when my mother was 13 years old. So, under the guiding hand of my grandmother, my mother and her siblings were raised in a two bedroom apartment in a housing project. There were expectations to be adhered to and one’s emotional needs took the backseat to survival, a good education, and obedience. My grandmother was a kind woman, but her Southern upbringing included expectations of manners in the company you kept.
My mother told me that her best friend in school was a Black girl. And in walking to and from school, they needed to meet up or depart at a point where my grandmother would not see them together. This saddened my mother greatly as this girl was so very special to her. I had experienced this as well as I dated a Black boy in high school. I was firmly told by my mother that my grandmother was not to hear a word of this. And, she did not. There were expectations, and I had to adhere to them as well regardless of my own feelings.
I needed my mother to be more present in my life. I needed her to validate me so much more than she was able to do so. I needed her to teach me more than she was able to teach me. My naiveté and my fear of disappointing her collided, creating a little child who was too afraid to ask questions while realizing my emotional boundaries would not always be supported. I have accepted, with no grievances, that I needed more from her than what she was able to give.
I raised my daughters on my own. Their father emotionally left us when the girls were very little. He physically left when my daughters were 11 and 13. My former mother-in-law once told me if I had had boys things would have been different. I am really not sure what this meant, but I believe she meant that their father would have been more involved or that my daughters and I would not be as close as we were.
Anyway, I believe, I raised my daughters in a manner that I wish I had been raised. None of us are perfect parents. I worked to listen, validate, understand, and embrace all who they are. I taught them to be slow to judge, slow to correct. Rather, to listen, to understand, and to be kind. It is not important that we understand why someone needs something or have to identify with another’s experiences. Rather, we need to be good listeners, supporters, and empathizers while respecting boundaries - theirs and your own. Not to argue with your children, but to listen to them, to validate them, and to comfort them even if you cannot grasp their understanding. Be a parent first, and being a friend, now best friends, will come later if you parent with a loving, consistent hand.
So, on this Mother’s Day, I celebrate my daughters who have become wonderful mothers in their own right. I pray that I have modeled and been the mothers they now are as I guess I still need that validation that I raised them well. Now, as a grandmother, I pray that I can instill in my grandchildren the values that I taught my daughters through word and through example.
Happy Mother’s Day ~ julie
If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.