The Storyteller ~

I am home from Montana. The house was quiet and the yard needed quite a bit of work, but now that I am settled I feel that I can get back to work on my passion projects. My time in Montana always brings time to reflect on my time there with my last husband. This trip was more resolving in nature than in the past. In the past I think I was a bit too melancholy; I missed being there. But did I?

During my time in Montana, I saw Kim several times. Lots of EMDR work along with a few DBT reminders. I have struggled to let go of the past. To be in the present; to live in the present; to feel in the present. I have been stuck for decades. Kim shared that in my many writings, I do not seem to connect with the content. I am writing from a voice that is still disconnected from the trauma, emotions, the ability to let go. This was a pleasant surprise on two points. First, I did not know she had been reading what I wrote in my blog and my IG/FB posts. That warmed my heart. Second, she put into words what I was afraid to admit myself. So, why am I so stuck? Disconnected?

It is what so many therapists refer to as that inner child. My inner child has been abused and traumatized consistently since young childhood to the time I finally left; said enough is enough; about four years ago. The inner child never grew up so she has been the recipient for all those years. Plus, I can be a bit stubborn, or rather determined, when I am curious; when I want to fix something; when I want to understand. So for my two weeks in Montana we worked on the stuckness. I worked to cognitively accept that one cannot understand the ways of abusers. I have to accept I cannot fix the unfixable. Sometimes my love to be curious can simply be a curse. I have to radically accept what was, was. Let it go!! 

I also fully realize that my inner child still needs a voice. She wants to be heard. She wants to be understood. She is too much a part of me to simply absorb her. So instead of trying to resolve her, I decided I needed to give her a new role. I pondered and pondered for days before it dawned on me…she is my storyteller. She knows the stories. She lived the stories. And now that the adult me has a voice, it is time to really tell the story for the voice within. 

Since I identified this new role for her I have been smiling, feeling happy, excited, and eager to begin letting her by my voice. You may find on Redeem Thyself and 7 Pedals the stories may feel a bit different. You may sense the emotion that I have kept so close to my vest. In each posts’ content, you will read a story followed by what I have learned through therapy. I have often said that Redeem Thyself and 7 Pedals are not places where we simply vent about our abusers. Rather it is a place for healing. I cannot think of a better way to do so by sharing a story and then the steps I have taken to grow; or even to put myself in additional harm’s way. 

And as far as Montana goes…it is a beautiful place. I am filled with joy looking at the majestic mountains, canyons, and valleys. These things make it a wonderful setting to do the work I need to do to heal with the guiding hand of my therapist. But, home is calling. It’s time to return to California. 

It’s time to tell the stories ~ julie

P.S. I am still trying to sell my house!! Please pray and keep this in your thoughts. 

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.