I am still dealing with my knee and ankle. That seems to be the opening sentence for quite a few things in my life lately. I am working on getting the surgeries arranged, making sure my insurance is in place, figuring out doctors and timing, and trying to think ahead about what I will actually need during recovery. There are a lot of moving pieces for someone whose moving pieces currently do not work particularly well.
I am also tired of my current job. There really isn't a more interesting way to say that. The work is fine, and there are parts of it that I enjoy, particularly when I have something to build or reorganize. I know I have written about that before. Give me something that needs to be created, rebuilt, researched, or figured out, and I am usually happy. Once everything settles into routine, however, I start looking toward whatever comes next. I know that about myself now.
This time, though, I think there is more to it. I want to be fully remote again. I have applied for somewhere around two dozen adjunct positions, mostly looking for opportunities that reconnect me with university work and allow me to work from wherever I happen to be. I miss that freedom. I want to be able to move around without having my job determine where I have to live. I also want work that leaves room for the work I am building through Redeem Thyself, 7 Pedals, and Equal Partners through Empowering Parents Network, along with my books, research, grants, and everything else that seems to occupy my computer screen these days.
Maybe freedom is really what I am thinking about right now. I am trying to create more freedom professionally at exactly the same time that I am about to lose some freedom physically. That is an interesting combination. Knee surgery and ankle surgery are going to make me dependent upon other people in ways I would rather avoid, and I find myself doing quite a bit of planning around how to maintain as much independence as possible.
I don't think there is anything wrong with accepting help. I am getting better at that, or at least I think I am. My daughter and her family have already offered the practical support I will need, including helping with my dogs and giving me a place to stay briefly after surgery. I am grateful that I have them. But gratitude for having people who will help me does not mean I suddenly enjoy needing help.
There is a difference there that I am still trying to understand. I don't want my determination to remain independent to become another version of refusing to let people care for me. At the same time, I don't think wanting independence is something I need to fix. I like taking care of myself. I like making my own decisions. I like knowing that I can manage my life. After spending so much time writing about taking up space and learning to trust myself, perhaps wanting to retain some control over my own life makes perfect sense.
So I am planning. I am thinking about what I can prepare before surgery, what I can arrange for myself, when I will actually need someone else, and when I probably won't. I am trying to be realistic rather than stubborn, although I suspect there may be a rather fine line between those two things for me. I suppose I will find out soon enough.
Meanwhile, the weather has finally started cooling in the western Sierras. I am very happy about that. The heat seemed to hang around forever this year, and I was more than ready for it to leave. There is something about opening the door and feeling cooler air that makes everything seem a little more manageable. Maybe it is simply because I hate being hot. Not everything needs a deeper meaning.
I am still writing grants too. I am still working on my books. I am still developing the projects at juliemlane.com and following the little possibilities that continue to appear. I am applying for adjunct positions and wondering whether one of those applications will eventually become the remote work I want. Some days I feel excited about all of it, and other days I wonder what on earth I am doing. Apparently that has not changed.
What has changed is that I have a clearer idea of what I want my life to allow. I want meaningful work, but I also want mobility. I want to earn a living without giving every useful hour of my day to someone else's work. I want enough flexibility to continue building my own projects. I want to spend time with my daughters and their families. I want to be able to go to Montana when I choose. I want to write. I want to play my harp again when my feet finally cooperate. I want choices.
Perhaps that is why independence feels particularly important right now. For the next few months, my body is going to dictate quite a few things. Doctors, insurance, surgeries, recovery, and physical limitations will determine some of what I can and cannot do. I don't particularly like that reality, but I cannot change it by pretending otherwise.
What I can do is keep creating choices in the areas where choices are still mine. I can apply for another position. I can write another grant. I can work on another chapter. I can prepare for surgery in ways that make recovery easier. I can accept help when I genuinely need it without surrendering the parts of my independence that I can reasonably maintain.
I think I am learning that independence and accepting help do not have to cancel each other out. I can need people for a while and still be capable. I can let my daughter help me and still make my own decisions. I can have two body parts that need repair and still build a life with more freedom than the one I have now.
At least that is what I am working toward. Right now, I have surgeries to arrange, insurance to sort out, job applications to submit, grants to write, and cooler weather to enjoy. That seems like enough for this week.
How do you hold on to your independence during seasons when you genuinely need other people?
~ julie
If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.
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