It is fall, supposedly. The calendar says it is fall. There are signs of it here and there, but it is still too hot in the western Sierras for my liking. I keep waiting for that real shift in the air when I can open the door and know that summer has finally given up. Apparently summer and I disagree about when it should leave.
I am waiting for other things too. I am still waiting for both surgeries, still dealing with my knee and ankle, and still trying to arrange my life around things that have not actually happened yet. That is tiring in a strange way. I cannot get through recovery because I haven't had the surgeries. I cannot completely plan what comes next because I don't know exactly how recovery will go. So I am doing what I can while waiting for my body and the medical system to catch up.
Mostly, I am tired. I don't think that is particularly surprising. There has been a lot this year, physically and otherwise, and I feel as though I have spent much of it trying to adjust to the next thing. Some days I am very productive and excited about what I am building. Other days I stare at everything and wonder where I am going with any of it.
I keep coming back to the work, though. That probably matters.
I believe there is purpose in what I am building through Redeem Thyself, 7 Pedals, and Equal Partners through Empowering Parents Network. I believe there is purpose in the books I am writing, the research, the grant-funded programs I am trying to develop, and the different ways all of these pieces are beginning to connect. I don't always know what the finished version is supposed to look like, and perhaps that is part of what makes me restless. I like knowing where I am going.
Calling is an interesting word for me because it can sound so certain. If something is your called purpose, shouldn't you know exactly what you are supposed to do with it? I don't. I know what matters to me. I know the populations I want to support. I know that writing matters. Music matters. Education matters. Advocacy matters. Creating places where people feel less alone matters. I feel strongly about all of that, but I am still trying to figure out what shape my own life needs to take around the work.
Maybe that is direction enough for now. I keep wanting a map when perhaps I only have a compass. I know the general direction, even if I cannot see exactly where I will end up. That sounds suspiciously like something I have written before, which probably means I am still learning it.
I have also been feeling lonely. I don't particularly like admitting that, although I am not sure why. I spend a lot of time alone, and usually I am pretty good at it. I write. I research. I work on grants. I work on my projects. Before my legs decided otherwise, I played my harp. I have always been able to fill my time, which may be part of the problem. Being busy and not being lonely are not necessarily the same thing.
The physical limitations have probably made the isolation more obvious. It is harder to simply go somewhere when walking hurts. It is easier to stay home. Then one day of staying home becomes another, and eventually I realize that most of my conversations are happening through a computer screen. I am building projects around connection while sitting by myself an awful lot. There is a little irony there.
I don't want to feel so isolated, which means I probably have to do something about it. That sounds incredibly obvious when I write it. I cannot sit at home wishing I had more connection while declining opportunities to step into the world. At some point, I have to step out and step up, even if I don't feel particularly energetic or social.
I am not talking about suddenly filling my calendar. I don't think I need more things to do. I have plenty of those. I think I need more people in my actual life. I need conversations that are not about work. I need to go somewhere simply because I want to be around other human beings. I need community that exists outside my computer and outside the projects I am trying to build.
That may require something from me that I have not always been very good at giving. I may have to initiate. I may have to show up somewhere before I feel that I belong there. I may have to be the person who reaches out instead of waiting to see whether someone reaches toward me. That feels uncomfortable, but loneliness is uncomfortable too, and at least one of those discomforts might take me somewhere new.
There is probably a connection between this and the work I feel called to do. So much of Redeem Thyself has grown from my belief that women should not have to navigate difficult things entirely alone. Equal Partners is rooted in helping parents become stronger advocates for their children rather than leaving them to figure out complicated systems by themselves. Even The Harp in the Meadow imagines music as something people can experience together rather than something distant from them. Connection keeps appearing in what I am building.
Maybe I need some of what I keep trying to create for everyone else.
I am still tired. It is still too hot. I am still waiting for surgeries, still wondering where I will eventually live, still trying to create a work life that fits, and still figuring out how all these projects become sustainable. None of that has suddenly become clearer this week.
But perhaps direction does not have to mean knowing every next step. Maybe, for now, direction means continuing to protect the work I believe I am called to do while also recognizing that I need a life around that work. A life with people in it.
So perhaps that is something I can work on while I wait. Not another project. Not another goal on one of my oversized Post-it notes. Just a willingness to step outside the isolation a little more often and see what happens.
Have you ever realized that if you wanted more connection in your life, you might have to be the person willing to reach first?
~ julie
If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.
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