Holding Two Worlds ~

Lately, I have been noticing something new. I wake up excited.

Not every morning. But many mornings. I look forward to getting to the gym. I look forward to eating well. I look forward to sitting behind my harp. I look forward to writing, researching, arranging music, and building the work of juliemlane.com, Redeem Thyself, Empowering Parents Network, and 7 Pedals.

There is a sense of momentum that I have not felt in a very long time. The pieces are beginning to fall into place.

I am practicing every day. My first two Kevin Kern arrangements are beginning to take shape. I know that arranging music is not simply writing notes on a page; it is learning to think differently, to hear differently, to slow down enough to ask, "What does this music want to become?"

Perhaps healing asks the same question. What do I want to become? And yet, there is another world living alongside this one. Something has surprised me…the trauma dreams have returned.

During the day, I feel hopeful. Creative. Focused. But at night, old fears still find their way into my sleep. When I sit quietly with my emotions, I notice they tend to move toward one of two places. Either I am filled with excitement about creating, or I am reminded of the hurt, the fear, and the little girl who still lives within me.

I recently read an article from the American Psychological Association describing how healing from trauma is rarely a straight line. As people begin to feel safer and more regulated, memories and emotions that were once held at a distance can sometimes become more noticeable. Rather than meaning we are moving backward, it can be part of moving more deeply into healing. That perspective gave me hope. 

Nature reminds me that rivers often carry calm water on the surface while powerful currents continue below. One does not cancel the other. Both are true at the same time. Perhaps that is where I am. Joy and grief. Excitement and uncertainty. Healing and remembering.

There are still practical questions I cannot answer. Will I build my life in California? Will I eventually return to Montana? Will my finances determine where I live? Every time I think I have the answer, another possibility appears. Maybe those answers do not need to come today. 

What I do know is this: Today I practiced my harp. Today I went to the gym. Today I wrote. Today I moved one step closer to becoming the woman I have always hoped to be. Maybe that is enough.

Maybe healing is not waiting until the past disappears. Maybe healing is learning to hold two worlds with open hands.

Have you ever experienced joy and pain at the same time? What has helped you make room for both without believing one has to replace the other?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.

Copyright 2026. JM Lane, LLC, All rights reserved.