Seriously, What Else?

I am almost afraid to ask what else can happen. Actually, I am not going to ask because the last few months have been strange enough without inviting anything else to join the list.

It started when I broke my ankle. Then one of my pups needed surgery because of a foxtail. Then I damaged the right fender of my car when I was overly tired and had too much running through my head. The car went into the shop, and because I am living in a rural community, there wasn't a rental car available that would accommodate my harp. So I rented a U-Haul cargo van because apparently that is what one does when one needs to transport a harp and there are no rental cars available.

Then the U-Haul got stuck in a hole. I wish there were a more interesting story about how that happened, but there isn't. I backed up, the right rear tire dug itself into the ground, and that was that. I didn't drive somewhere I shouldn't have driven. I didn't do anything particularly foolish. The tire just kept digging. Eventually the U-Haul had to be towed out, which meant more money. Renting a U-Haul is already expensive when you need it for more than a quick trip across town. Having the U-Haul towed out of a hole was not exactly something I had included in my budget.

And then there have been the Airbnbs. At one, the electrical breakers kept popping. At another, the toilet tank overflowed. Somewhere mixed into all of this was the potential long-term rental where I decided not to sign the lease. Apparently the woman was so unhappy with my decision that she called my supervisor and wanted me fired. I still find that one a little difficult to believe, even though it actually happened.

Mostly, I am tired of packing.

I keep moving from one place to another because I cannot seem to find somewhere I can stay long term. I pack everything, load everything, unload everything, figure out where everything goes, stay for a while, and then do it again. The dogs adjust. The harp gets moved. I figure out another kitchen and another grocery store and another route to work. I would really like to put my things somewhere and leave them there for a while. That does not seem like an outrageous life goal.

I am usually pretty good at finding meaning in things, which probably explains why I write a Healing Diary in the first place. I can look at something difficult and eventually begin wondering what I am learning from it. Maybe God is teaching me patience. Maybe all of this has something to do with my continuing questions about home and belonging. Maybe I am learning not to become so attached to my plans. Or maybe the last few months have simply been a pain in the ass. I think I am allowed to consider that possibility too.

Not everything has to become a metaphor.

Still, the question of home keeps following me around. California? The eastern Sierra? Montana? Bozeman keeps coming back into my thoughts. Then I start considering work, finances, family, therapy, my projects, and all the practical things involved in choosing where to build a life. I don't know that I am looking for a forever home. I am not even sure I believe in that idea anymore. But I would like a home base.

I would like somewhere I can leave my harp set up. I would like the dogs to know which door is ours. I do not enjoy running back and forth to storage to find things and exchange one item for the next. I would like to wake up in the morning and know I am probably going to wake up in the same place next month. Right now, that sounds rather wonderful.

Maybe that is what this particular stretch is making clearer. Not where home is, because I still don't know that, but what I want home to give me. Some stability. Some quiet. A place from which I can build everything else I am trying to build without constantly packing it all into the car again.

I think I will find it. I just don't know where yet, and apparently I don't get to know that part before I get there.

In the meantime, I am keeping the packing tape somewhere easy to find.

Have you ever gone through one of those seasons when so many strange things happened that eventually all you could really do was laugh and keep going?

~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.

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