My Eyes ~
I am in Tuolumne County in California for a week to explore. To explore the countryside where I used to live and loved so much. I do love it here. As I look around myself, I am filled with emotions of peace, happiness, and God’s greatness. What haunts me though are the wildfires that can rip through this countryside. So, where is the balance? When do you live in a place that brings you so much joy yet where devastation can occur without warning.
As part of my healing journey, I am exploring. Exploring is hard for me. To wander into a shop where I have not been in the past. To take long drives into the countryside to see where my heart is taking me. What should I consider? What should I accept that is out of my control? What are the sacrifices I should make to live where I feel so much peace? What are the pros and cons? I have already sacrificed so much in life. Am I to sacrifice more to find happiness?
The Western Sierra Nevada Mountains are as beautiful as the eastern. However, they are more susceptible to wildfires. They get more snow and rain than the eastern side; both of which I love. There are more opportunities here. Airports are more readily available as are shorter drives into more populated areas where there is access to more shopping areas. It is a quicker drive to San Francisco where my older daughter lives and still provides a route to the eastern Sierras to my younger daughter; even during the winter. There is so much wildlife here. I miss looking out the window for what seemed like hours watching the woodpeckers, hummingbirds, deer, rabbits, squirrels, bobcats, California quail, and so much more; to just sit and take it all in.
On the flipside, I was six years old when I experienced my first wildfire and evacuation. I have strong memories of situations during the process of evacuating and then returning home again. I remember being told I could take one thing with me. I remember the doll I had chosen. I remember rushing into the car. I remember the long line of cars that paraded past my driveway as my dad slowly made his way into the long line. I remember returning home and finding my cat sitting on my bed. I remember the place on the outside of my house that was scorched and burned. Throughout my childhood there were times when we were put on evacuation notices along with a few times in my young adulthood. Decades later, I moved to the Western Sierras where I experienced two evacuation warnings along with one evacuation that lasted for three days. Those memories are still with me as is the feeling of fear, anxiousness, and trauma.
There is one more aspect that echoes in my head; my mother’s voice. My mother was an incredible worrier. The memories of her panic when a fire was in the general area of where we lived always resulted in her packing things in preparation for a possible evacuation. The urgency to do so was reverberated with anxiety. I can still feel that anxiety and how it affects me; my nervous system; my panic.
Yet, I love this county. Is it worth the threat of what may or may not come to live here? Does the good outweigh what might or might not occur? And as my heart aches to return to my home state of California, I was reminded by my older daughter’s light-hearted, chuckling words of reality that all of California is vulnerable to burning. It is the nature of living here.
I want to come home; home to California. What am I willing to accept to find the peace and happiness that I now know that I desire.
Exploring ~ julie
If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.
Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane’s personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.