Becoming the Woman I Was Created to Be ~

There is a quiet change happening within me. It is not dramatic enough for most people to notice. There are no fireworks. No grand announcements. In fact, from the outside, my life probably looks much the same. I still go to work. I still spend time writing, practicing my harp, researching, building programs, and dreaming about the future. But something feels different.

For the first time in many years, I find myself waking up with anticipation more often than fear. That does not mean the memories have disappeared. Trauma still rears its ugly head. There are days when old beliefs creep into my thoughts, when the trauma of the past creates traumatic dreams, waking up exhausted. I question whether I am enough, whether my work matters, or whether I should simply settle for something easier. Those thoughts still come. I still question them. My gut reaction is to deny them.

As I reflected this week, I found myself thinking back to a blog I wrote several months ago called Taking Up Space. At the time, I believed I had spent much of my life walking along the edge of the trail, trying not to get in anyone else's way. Today, I think I understand it differently. I do not think I believed I belonged on the trail at all. Somewhere along the way, I learned that my needs, my voice, my dreams, and even my presence mattered less than everyone else's. Healing has not simply been about learning to take up space. It has been about believing that I was invited onto the trail in the first place.

Now, each time I write, arrange a piece of music, begin another chapter of a book, or speak with someone who finds excitement, eagerness through these projects, I take another step down that trail. Not because I have earned the right to be there, but because I always belonged there. I simply could not see it.

That thought brought me back to a recent episode of Redeeming Stories, The Stories We Tell Ourselves and the Ones We Are Learning to Rewrite. During that reflection, I talked about the stories we inherit through trauma and the gentle work of rewriting them, not by pretending they never existed, but by choosing not to let them define our future. Looking back now, I realize that perhaps the greatest story I am rewriting is not what happened to me. It is what I believed about myself because of what happened.

Nature reminds me that every trail begins with an invitation. We are welcomed into the forest, not because we have proven ourselves worthy, but because the trail is there to be walked. The towering pines do not ask whether we deserve to stand beneath them. The mountains do not decide who belongs. They simply exist, quietly reminding us that there is room enough for all of us.

I recently revisited an article from the American Psychological Association on resilience. One idea stayed with me. Resilience is not about avoiding hardship. It is about adapting, growing, and discovering strengths we may not have known were there. Reading that reminded me that healing is not measured by the absence of struggle. Sometimes it is measured by our willingness to keep becoming.

Perhaps that is what God has been teaching me all along. Not that I must become someone different. Not that I must earn my place. Not that I must accomplish enough to finally matter. Rather, that I have always belonged. The work now is simply believing it. I do not know exactly where this journey will lead, but I do know this:

I no longer want to become someone different. I simply want to become more fully the woman God created me to be.

As you reflect on your own journey, have you ever realized that you were not trying to find your place, but trying to believe you had one all along? 

Kindly,

~ julie

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane's personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.

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