Knowing the Direction ~

I am moving again. Another Airbnb. Another temporary home. I am getting pretty good at this.

This move is practical. I will be closer to doctors. Closer to whatever physical therapy I may need. And closer to the drive over the Sierra to see my younger daughter and her family. I love the eastern Sierra, so having easier access to that side of the mountains is certainly not a bad thing. But still. Another move.

I keep wondering when I am going to know where I am supposed to live. California? Montana? Somewhere I have not considered yet? Maybe I am putting too much importance on finding the right place. I have written about that before, too. Right now, though, I would simply like my knee to work.

The Baker's cyst is still there. It has been weeks. I finally have a doctor's appointment, and I am hoping for an MRI. I want to know why this happened. I want someone to tell me what is going on and how to fix it. Mostly, I want to walk.

I miss my 15,000 steps. I miss walking without thinking about walking. I miss getting outside and wandering around with my dogs. I miss being able to decide to go somewhere without first wondering how far I will have to walk when I get there. Sit. Ice. Rest. Elevate. Not exactly words that come naturally to me. And while my body is telling me to slow down, my mind is doing exactly the opposite.

High Meadow Projects is moving forward. I am working on grants and reaching out to potential partners. Redeem Thyself and 7 Pedals are becoming clearer to me. There is storytelling, reflection, music, community, writing, research, the harp. So much I want to do.

I know this is the work I am supposed to be doing. I really do. And then there is money. There. I said it. I need to make money.

Bills continue to arrive whether I am following my purpose or not. I have obligations. Dreams are wonderful, but they do not pay rent. Grants take time. Partnerships take time. Building something from almost nothing takes time. And I am not particularly patient.

I keep wanting to push. Do more. Make another contact. Find another grant. Figure out how to make everything happen faster. Meanwhile, my knee is sitting there saying, apparently, no. Maybe there is something rather ironic about that.

I keep thinking about the mountain roads I love so much. When I drive across the Sierra, I rarely see very far ahead. There is another curve, another climb, another pass. Sometimes I pull over because the view is simply too beautiful to drive past. I have been working on allowing myself to do that. To stop. To take up the space. To enjoy what is right in front of me. Maybe life is looking a little like that right now.

I know the direction. I just cannot see very far down the road. I do not know exactly how High Meadow Projects will grow. I do not know when the money will begin to follow the work. I do not know where I will eventually live. I certainly do not know when this ridiculous knee will stop hurting.

I would like answers to all of those questions. Preferably now. But maybe knowing the direction has to be enough for today.

Go to the doctor. Move into the new place. Pay the bills. Write the grant. Practice the harp. Make the phone call. Rest the knee even when I do not want to. And keep listening.

To God’s call. To myself. To my heart. To the people around me. To the opportunities that appear. To God. Maybe I do not need to know where the entire road leads yet. I just need to know which direction I am traveling.

At least that is what I am telling myself today. We will see what I think tomorrow.

How do you keep moving when you know the direction you want to travel, but you cannot yet see how you are going to get there?

If you feel so inclined, please reply with your thoughts.

Kindly,

~ Julie

Note: JM Lane is NOT a mental health professional, nor does she carry a license to practice medicine. Posts, blogs, and content are based on JM Lane's personal experiences, perceptions, and reflections. By no means does any material convey what others should or should not do.

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